Brittany J. L. May

My relationship with food isn’t great.

I’ve been reading “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Made Simple: 10 Strategies for Managing Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Panic, and Worry” by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD. It’s made me think so much about my anxiety and start to pick it apart and has also made me want to talk about it but I still struggle to actually talk about it (that’s what therapy is for). So, for now I’ll write about it…

I’m constantly thinking about how I can help people understand my situation in a way that makes sense. Basically, mostly in date-like food situations, I get so anxious that I can’t take a single bite of solid food without gagging so hard I eventually vomit. It’s not exclusive to dates, it also happens with friends and family if my head is in an anxious space though this happens less frequently.

My anxiety has conditioned my body to be wary of food and to not always trust it. That sucks. Growing up, my relationship with food was amazing! I’ve always been tiny, but I could usually shock everyone with how much I could actually put away. However, because of bad relationships, self-doubt and reinforcement of negative thoughts over the last several years it’s often very hard for me to get excited about food, eating has become a chore. I’ve started to “reward” my cravings by giving into them when they arise as an attempt to bring that excitement back to food and eating.

I’m always conscious of how other people perceive my weight and eating habits which spirals my anxiety more. Just please trust that I know what’s good for me. Trust that my bottom line is getting food in my body, period. If I push myself too hard and can’t keep my food down, that ends up being worse than if I only eat a cup of soup or a small salad and actually manage to keep it in my stomach during an anxious period.

It’s all a process and it’s not fun or easy, but I really want to make this work and learn how to cope. There are people I care a lot about who I’m so ready to jump these hurdles for. Here’s to the journey.