How do you live when you think you’re dying?

**TRIGGER WARNING: HEALTH ANXIETY**

I’m not a total stranger to health anxiety. It’s cropped up here and there but I’ve always moved through it quite quickly but after my parents and I got COVID in early March my mind went off the deep end.

For most of March I was crying nearly every day in the bathroom at work, when my mom picked me up at the end of the day, any time I was alone. I was focused entirely on every tiny sensation that presented itself in my body. Heart palpitations means heart problems. Lower back and abdominal pain means ovarian cancer. Continuous tension headaches means brain tumour. The only time I wasn’t consumed by these thoughts was when I was sleeping. I was so exhausted. I moved through the motions at work, got home, ate what I could and went to bed. I was living to sleep.

I knew people around me could tell something was wrong. I had to apologize for a few irritable outbursts and I knew this was not sustainable.

I’ve had anxiety for a while and I can generally get myself out of a bad place but I was so stuck. I felt entirely helpless and was already doing everything in my power to get my head right but I was under a never ending cloud of darkness. I was already seeing my therapist so I knew I needed to turn to medication to get me out of where I was.

I moved back to my parents. Not having to be alone or think about what I was going to feed myself is the biggest relief.

I made a therapy appointment. I felt crazy and she assured me I wasn’t and that everything I was feeling was valid and very scary.

I reached out to ADAM to join a support group. I met 4 other individuals struggling with anxiety and I’ve never had such incredible conversations with that many anxious people.

I made a doctors appointment. She was incredible. I got blood work, an EKG, a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. She also put me on medication and the relief and weight lifted off me after this was indescribable.

I’m not dying and I can finally breathe again, smile again, and live again.